Finding the Right Relationship--Part One

Since it's almost Valentine's Day, I thought it might be helpful to revise and release a series I did on relationship nearly ten years ago. This is Part One in the Three-Part Series.   Finding the Right Relationship. Sounds wonderful, doesn't it? First of all, let me clarify something. I'm not a believer that there is only ONE "right" person for each of us. I think there may be a lot of "right" persons for you.   What makes a person "right?" I think it has to do with both of you bringing out the best in each other. When the relationship clicks, and you are in synch with each other, the things the relationship can be or do surpass what either of you can do alone. There is a synergy that takes the relationship beyond the individual, and allows each person in the relationship to grow as well. A relationship like that is truly something special.               In my view, finding that right relationship first requires you to make sure you are ready for it. Why is this important? You need to be ready for this special relationship so that you will both recognize it and appreciate it when you meet this person. If you haven't done the work to get ready for it, you might think that someone is "Mr. or Ms. Right" just based on chemistry and attraction.   Relationships that last require much more than that.   How do you go about getting ready for a great relationship? This involves knowing yourself and what you want. First of all, you need to know what is important to you in a relationship. What are your criteria for having a relationship with someone? Here you need to look at what your values are about relationships.   For example, is it important to you to have shared spiritual or religious values? Shared interests? Is it important that you have similar educational backgrounds? Is it important to be in a relationship with someone who likes children? Is it important to have financial security? All these reflect things that could be important to a person about a relationship. I hope you realize that they are in no way a complete list of all the things that might be important. You'll need to determine what YOUR values are.   Next, you need to know what YOU NEED in a relationship. In other words, when you are in a relationship, what do you need in order to be your very best? Some people might need security. Some might need to be "romanced" to be their best in the relationship. Others might need to be told they are appreciated. Some might need positive attention. Others could need autonomy and independence.   Knowing what you need in a relationship and making sure the important needs are met allow you to be your best in the relationship. It allows you to feel good about the relationship, because your needs are met within it. Not every single need has to be met in the relationship, but the important ones probably do.   By the way, needs aren't right or wrong or reasonable or unreasonable. They just ARE. They are what you need in order for you to be your best. And doesn't it make sense to make sure that your partner brings out the best in you in this relationship?   The third issue that needs to be addressed to get ready for a relationship is to be completely honest about what type of relationship you really want. Some people are looking for companionship. Some want marriage. Others want a deep connection with someone, but don't care about being married. Some people want to have children. Still others want a sexual partner only. It is important to be honest about this.   One of the biggest mistakes I see people make about relationships is going into it saying they want one thing, such as friendship, when they really are looking for a spouse. Of course it is helpful to be friends with someone you marry, but if you aren't honest from the beginning that you hope the friendship will end in marriage, you may attract someone who is willing to be friends, but who doesn't really want a commitment such as marriage. When that happens, there's a lot of heartache.   One of the most important ways to get ready to find that "right relationship" involves letting go of your baggage about relationships. Your baggage is usually the result of past relationships. There may be negative feelings left over from past disappointments or hurts. There may be beliefs you have about relationships based on your past history. If you carry that baggage into a new relationship, you are doomed to repeat the pattern of those past relationships.   Examples might be beliefs such as "Men can't be trusted;" "There's only one woman out there for me;" "Nice guys are boring;" "No one will want me;" "I'm too old." Such beliefs will keep you from being able to fully enjoy a new relationship without coloring it with beliefs from the past.   Another problem is that sometimes people get emotionally stuck in old relationships.   They are so focused on what a jerk their ex-spouse was that they aren't really ready to move on. Or if a spouse has ended in a death, they might be so focused on that past relationship, they aren't ready for anything new.   To be ready for a "right relationship," you have to let go of the baggage from past relationships, whether that baggage consists of beliefs, emotions or memories. Doing the work to get ready for a new relationship is well worth the work. A new relationship doesn't magically create happiness. The old issues from the past tend to come up over and over until we deal with them.   Want that special relationship? Want to find Mr. or Ms. Right? First get ready. If you don't, you might just miss a really special person, someone you won't even notice because of your unfinished business.   In the next few blog posts, I'll take this a step further to help you find the "right relationship" or at least begin looking in the right places, and discover ways to make those relationships last.   How do you do that? Follow the steps below:     1.  Ask yourself the question, "What is important to me about a relationship?" Write down all the ideas that come. Keep asking yourself this question until you have totally emptied out all possible ideas.   2.  Next, rank order these in order of importance, with #1 being the most important and so on.   3.  Think about what YOU NEED in order to be your best in a relationship. Don't judge it as right or wrong, reasonable or unreasonable. Just record as many things as you can think of. Again, rank order them in order of importance. These are your needs in a relationship.   4.  Next think about what sort of relationship you'd like to have. Decide what the major purpose of the relationship is? Do you want companionship? Marriage? Children? Just sex? Friendship? A deep connection? A business partner? Someone to take care of you? Be totally honest with yourself.   5.  Hang on to this information. You'll need it as you start to meet people, and we'll talk more about it in Part 2 of this series.   6.  Next, think about what you believe about relationships. Write down these thoughts. When you think about past relationships, what words or phrases come to mind? These provide hints about what your baggage might be.   7.  Take steps to get rid of your baggage. Talk to a close friend. Discuss your baggage with your pastor. Find a therapist or a coach. Remember that you are likely to accumulate more baggage in your relationships unless you clear this away.   If you are already in a relationship, you can look at that relationship through these exercises. Knowing yourself thoroughly can help you have a more satisfying relationship with that person with whom you are already involved.   Satisfying relationships help us live longer. They help us live more satisfying lives, more magnificent lives. I want that for you.   So, get ready for that satisfying relationship. It IS possible, and well worth it!   If you need assistance getting rid of your baggage, or any of these steps, email me at linda@innerresourcecenter.com or call me at (865) 983-7544 to discuss what might be necessary. It is important to work with someone with whom you can feel comfortable. If I'm not the best person to help you, I'll help you figure out who might be.   © 2008-2018 Linda S. Pucci, Ph.D. All rights reserved.