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Thursday, February 22, 2018

Where Can You Find the Right Relationship--Part Two of a Series


This is the second in the Relationship Series that started last week, just in time for Valentine's Day. Haven't found your Valentine yet? This week's blog may help you figure out where to look.

Last week I wrote part one of this three part series about relationships. In that blog post, I talked about the importance of getting ready for a significant relationship, so that you'll recognize that important person when they walk into your life. I talked about the importance of knowing what your needs and values are, because knowing that allows you to be clear about what you want. I also mentioned the importance of getting rid of any baggage you might have from previous relationships-those beliefs you've formed or those negative experiences you've hung onto, which can sabotage and brand new relationship. (In case you missed that article, feel free to email me at  Linda@InnerResourceCenter.com and I'll send you a copy).

This week's blog post focuses on how (and where) to find that significant relationship. By the way, this information applies just as well to significant friendships as it does romantic relationships, so if you happen to already be married or in a love relationship with a "significant other," you can use this information to find some really meaningful friendships.
 
The first step in finding a meaningful relationship involves looking in places where you are likely to find people who share your beliefs about what is important. For example, if it is important that the person share your religious beliefs, you would most likely find them at church. If you value education, you'd find them in educational settings, lectures, alumni groups, libraries, or other places where educated people go. If you value family activities, you may meet other single parents at sporting events school functions and so on. Be aware that you are most likely not going to meet a Mr. or Ms. Right in a nightclub or bar. What you're likely to find there is a drinking buddy.
 
When you are ready for a relationship, or even a friendship, be aware that a good way to meet people is through your friends or relatives. If you are open to meeting someone new, let those close to you know what you are looking for: what qualities, what values and what type of relationship you want. Let them introduce you to people they know.
 
Put yourself in positions where you can meet people who share your interests. For example, join travel clubs, dance clubs, photography clubs, cycling groups, singles clubs through churches, or take non-credit classes on topics that interest you. If you are new to an area, join the Newcomer's Club. Volunteer to help with a cause you believe in. You may not meet the person of your dreams immediately, but you'll be establishing some connections with others of like mind.
 
You can also go to social events you might not typically go to. I've met some of my best friends (not to mention my husband) by saying "yes" to invitations or events that were not typical for me. For instance, I've made some lasting friendships by going to meetings by myself. When I wasn't able to convince anyone else to go, I went anyway, and have sometimes met a really special person.
 
The key is to have an attitude of openness to meeting new people. Your attitude is one of the most important things. Don't go "on the hunt" for that special relationship. Desperation isn't very appealing. Go with the intention of meeting and getting to know lots of new people. Finding a significant relationship is just like meeting any new friend. You won't fit with everyone. Recognize that just like with any kind of networking, the person you are looking for just may not be in this group. But someone in the group may know the person you are looking for.
 
Talk to people, get to know them, and be open to meeting new friends. You may need to meet a lot of people before you find the person of your dreams. That's okay. Don't get discouraged! Just keep meeting people.
 
The right person, whether it is a friend or someone who becomes your spouse is definitely worth waiting for. Good relationships are important. They can lengthen our life span, impact our health, and bring great satisfaction and joy to our lives. Isn't that worth waiting for? But remember, finding the right person, isn't about sitting around waiting for them to show up.
 

If you are ready to take the next step, here are some specific actions you can take:
 
1.  Identify the type of relationship you are looking for--friendship, business partner, love interest, spouse.
 
2.  Figure out where to go to find someone who shares your interests and values.
 
3.  For the new few months, stretch yourself by going there, attending an event or joining a group where you might meet someone new. You goal is simply to meet some new people.
 
4.  While you are there, make a point of introducing yourself and getting to know at least a few people you don't already know. Listen, ask questions, and share of yourself. Remember that you are there to make a few new connections, not necessarily to find the love of your life.
 
5.  Afterwards, evaluate the experience. Did you meet anyone new? Did you experience a connection with anyone? Is there anyone you'd like to get to know better? If so, call them, drop them a note or email, or ask them to get together with you for coffee. An important part of making relationships grow is in the follow up.
 
6.  Take it slow. Remember that significant relationships need time to grow. Even if there is an instant connection with someone, it will take months (or possibly, years) to really get to know each other well.
 
7.  Throughout it all, be yourself. Pretending to be someone you aren't isn't helpful in forming any kind of significant relationship. Being honest in a relationship and not having it work out is far better than faking it and having a relationship based on dishonesty, because that relationship definitely won't last.
 
Good luck! I'd love to hear from you about your experiences in finding the right relationship. You can email me at Linda@InnerResourceCenter.com and let me know how it's going.
 
If you're struggling with any of this, feel free to reach out. I'll be happy to talk with you to see what might be getting in the way, and help you figure out what to do about it. You can contact me by phone at (865) 983-7544 or email me at Linda@InnerResourceCenter.com.
 
©   2008-2018 Linda S. Pucci, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

Finding the Right Relationship--Part One

 
Since it's almost Valentine's Day, I thought it might be helpful to revise and release a series I did on relationship nearly ten years ago. This is Part One in the Three-Part Series.
 
Finding the Right Relationship. Sounds wonderful, doesn't it? First of all, let me clarify something. I'm not a believer that there is only ONE "right" person for each of us. I think there may be a lot of "right" persons for you.
 
What makes a person "right?" I think it has to do with both of you bringing out the best in each other. When the relationship clicks, and you are in synch with each other, the things the relationship can be or do surpass what either of you can do alone. There is a synergy that takes the relationship beyond the individual, and allows each person in the relationship to grow as well. A relationship like that is truly something special.            
 
In my view, finding that right relationship first requires you to make sure you are ready for it. Why is this important? You need to be ready for this special relationship so that you will both recognize it and appreciate it when you meet this person. If you haven't done the work to get ready for it, you might think that someone is "Mr. or Ms. Right" just based on chemistry and attraction.   Relationships that last require much more than that.
 
How do you go about getting ready for a great relationship? This involves knowing yourself and what you want. First of all, you need to know what is important to you in a relationship. What are your criteria for having a relationship with someone? Here you need to look at what your values are about relationships.
 
For example, is it important to you to have shared spiritual or religious values? Shared interests? Is it important that you have similar educational backgrounds? Is it important to be in a relationship with someone who likes children? Is it important to have financial security? All these reflect things that could be important to a person about a relationship. I hope you realize that they are in no way a complete list of all the things that might be important. You'll need to determine what YOUR values are.
 
Next, you need to know what YOU NEED in a relationship. In other words, when you are in a relationship, what do you need in order to be your very best? Some people might need security. Some might need to be "romanced" to be their best in the relationship. Others might need to be told they are appreciated. Some might need positive attention. Others could need autonomy and independence.
 
Knowing what you need in a relationship and making sure the important needs are met allow you to be your best in the relationship. It allows you to feel good about the relationship, because your needs are met within it. Not every single need has to be met in the relationship, but the important ones probably do.
 
By the way, needs aren't right or wrong or reasonable or unreasonable. They just ARE. They are what you need in order for you to be your best. And doesn't it make sense to make sure that your partner brings out the best in you in this relationship?
 
The third issue that needs to be addressed to get ready for a relationship is to be completely honest about what type of relationship you really want. Some people are looking for companionship. Some want marriage. Others want a deep connection with someone, but don't care about being married. Some people want to have children. Still others want a sexual partner only. It is important to be honest about this.
 
One of the biggest mistakes I see people make about relationships is going into it saying they want one thing, such as friendship, when they really are looking for a spouse. Of course it is helpful to be friends with someone you marry, but if you aren't honest from the beginning that you hope the friendship will end in marriage, you may attract someone who is willing to be friends, but who doesn't really want a commitment such as marriage. When that happens, there's a lot of heartache.
 
One of the most important ways to get ready to find that "right relationship" involves letting go of your baggage about relationships. Your baggage is usually the result of past relationships. There may be negative feelings left over from past disappointments or hurts. There may be beliefs you have about relationships based on your past history. If you carry that baggage into a new relationship, you are doomed to repeat the pattern of those past relationships.
 
Examples might be beliefs such as "Men can't be trusted;" "There's only one woman out there for me;" "Nice guys are boring;" "No one will want me;" "I'm too old." Such beliefs will keep you from being able to fully enjoy a new relationship without coloring it with beliefs from the past.
 
Another problem is that sometimes people get emotionally stuck in old relationships.   They are so focused on what a jerk their ex-spouse was that they aren't really ready to move on. Or if a spouse has ended in a death, they might be so focused on that past relationship, they aren't ready for anything new.
 
Suitcase-Baggage To be ready for a "right relationship," you have to let go of the baggage from past relationships, whether that baggage consists of beliefs, emotions or memories. Doing the work to get ready for a new relationship is well worth the work. A new relationship doesn't magically create happiness. The old issues from the past tend to come up over and over until we deal with them.
 
Want that special relationship? Want to find Mr. or Ms. Right? First get ready. If you don't, you might just miss a really special person, someone you won't even notice because of your unfinished business.
 
In the next few blog posts, I'll take this a step further to help you find the "right relationship" or at least begin looking in the right places, and discover ways to make those relationships last.
 
How do you do that? Follow the steps below:  
 
1.  Ask yourself the question, "What is important to me about a relationship?" Write down all the ideas that come. Keep asking yourself this question until you have totally emptied out all possible ideas.
 
2.  Next, rank order these in order of importance, with #1 being the most important and so on.
 
3.  Think about what YOU NEED in order to be your best in a relationship. Don't judge it as right or wrong, reasonable or unreasonable. Just record as many things as you can think of. Again, rank order them in order of importance. These are your needs in a relationship.
 
4.  Next think about what sort of relationship you'd like to have. Decide what the major purpose of the relationship is? Do you want companionship? Marriage? Children? Just sex? Friendship? A deep connection? A business partner? Someone to take care of you? Be totally honest with yourself.
 
5.  Hang on to this information. You'll need it as you start to meet people, and we'll talk more about it in Part 2 of this series.
 
6.  Next, think about what you believe about relationships. Write down these thoughts. When you think about past relationships, what words or phrases come to mind? These provide hints about what your baggage might be.
 
7.  Take steps to get rid of your baggage. Talk to a close friend. Discuss your baggage with your pastor. Find a therapist or a coach. Remember that you are likely to accumulate more baggage in your relationships unless you clear this away.
 
If you are already in a relationship, you can look at that relationship through these exercises. Knowing yourself thoroughly can help you have a more satisfying relationship with that person with whom you are already involved.
 
Satisfying relationships help us live longer. They help us live more satisfying lives, more magnificent lives. I want that for you.   So, get ready for that satisfying relationship. It IS possible, and well worth it!
 
If you need assistance getting rid of your baggage, or any of these steps, email me at linda@innerresourcecenter.com or call me at (865) 983-7544 to discuss what might be necessary. It is important to work with someone with whom you can feel comfortable. If I'm not the best person to help you, I'll help you figure out who might be.
 
© 2008-2018 Linda S. Pucci, Ph.D. All rights reserved.